We all have our demons

We all have something that sets us off,  something that we can never say no to, something that changes how we act or react. We refer to them S many hjbgs. I refer to them as my demons. They are all controling & can cause us to spin out of control.

I didn't get fat because I didn't like food. I like eating. I hate eating. I eat when I'm happy. I eat when I'm sad. I eat when I'm bored. I love to eat. It is all consuming. I think about what I'm going to have for dinner while I'm eating breakfast.

I had gastric bypass surgery to help me lose weight because I was completly out of control. I had heath issues associated with morbid obesity.  I was mean. I hit behind my fat, inside I was miserable. I lost enough weighy to take me from morbidly obese to obese and now I'm just overweight.

Right after my surgery it was easy to lose weight because I was restricted and physically could not eat some foods or as much of those foods.

As time progressed I found out what foods I could eat & how often I could eat. The deamons started creeping back. I started to tolerate other foods to replace some of mh favorites. 

Recently the demons have gotten stronger. I dare say the demons have gotten stronger than me at times.

I found myself way over my high limit since surgery. I started blaming it on medications. I blamed it on my ulcer & other health conditions. Truth is, I stopped fighting the demons & became friends with them. I started hating myself. I started masking my self hatered with ramen, mac & cheese, dairy free ice cream, jelly beans and grilled cheese sandwiches. And booze... a conciderable amount of booze.

Two days ago I hit rock bottom. I couldn't put on my "fat" pants (aka bloated period pants). I found a pair to wear that has stretch & called it good. I beT myself up a lot. I decided to stop beeting myself up & do something productive.

I came up with a game plan. A) avoid triggers. This means NO trigger foods. I know that a lot of diet gurus say that you should never deny yourself. They have never experianced the the emotional attachment and the strength of my demons.  B) in addition to avoiding alcohol as a trigger I'm giving up drinking. I always end up being stupid and/or getting physically ill. Drinking also makes me eat more food. C) starting a juice fast to give myself a jump start & get crappy stuff of my system.

Wish me luck in my battle!!