People who knew me 3 years ago wouldn't have a clue

People who knew me three years ago would never believe that I was the same person. I'm not refering to weight loss here either. I'm talking about kids.

Holy shit! Shut the front door!

No, I dont have kids. No I dont want kids. I just dont think that every person under the age of 21 should be kept under lock & key until they can become respectable members of society. This DOES NOT mean that there aren't some ass hole kids and parents out there. I just don't assume they all are instantly.

How did this happen? Simply enough I became a godparent. I was pretty honored to know that if both parents and all family members died at the same time in a freak accident someone actually thought I would be a good guardian. 

I was scared as hell when my godson was just handed to me while he was still in the hospital. I really thought that I might drop him or injure him. I obviously did not. He didn't cry too much. He was a cutie. He didn't smell too terrible ( until he popped of course). THEN he had a sister, and I became a godparent again. I was still scared of dropping her and all that stuff. But it wasnt bad.

My godchildren are the cutes kids ever. They are little people. They aren't little ass holes.  Thry are pretty cool little people actually. It melts my heart a little more each time I see a  video of my godson.

So...you could say that my godchildren have had the same effect the Whos had on the Grinch. My heart HAS grown three sizes!

Relaxation and De-Stressing

I’ve been under a lot of stress over the past few months. A LOT of stuff has been going on. I’ve been feeling out of control. Obviously I eat when I’m feeling out of control, which has added to my stress.

A few days ago I decided that I was going to see if there were any hypnosis apps for weight loss. I really assumed that was my biggest issue. Little did I realize that a big part of my issue was stress itself.

Two days ago I had a rough day at work. I decided that the best course of action was to actually use a hypnosis app that I downloaded (for free I might add). I didn’t listen to the whole recording, but most of it. The next day my entire attitude and outlook had changed. The next day I listened to most of a partial relaxation hypnosis recording.

I will admit, I was skeptical. I also decide that it wouldn’t hurt anything to try it. The last two days have actually been quite amazing. I’ve been in the best mood that I’ve been in in a long time. I’ve looked at what people call challenges as nothing more than another opportunity to succeed. (I KNOW that I sound like a cheesy self-help book).

Today, after work I had to do an errand that I did not feel like doing. It turned into a disaster and I told the person I was running the errand for that I was sorry, but they would need to deal with it, because I did not have the time. I got attitude. I was angry, I was stressed. I wanted a meat lover’s stuffed crust pizza (as I’ve noted before, I deal with stress with food).

I came home after work, heated up my lean cuisine instead of ordering a pizza. I ate my dinner and decided that I would listen to the de-stress recording. My muscles were already aching and I was feeling a migraine about to come on. I decided I would listen with the lights off and see if I could get through the whole 20 minutes. I made it! I also felt almost all of my tense muscles melt. My head ache is just a dull but manageable pain. I took a quick shower and started some laundry.

I honestly DO feel at peace.

I know that hypnosis and self help is all in the head. So is my stress. It is overthinking, overanalyzing, and anger. If I can de-stress without pharmaceutical assistance, alcohol, or food I may just make it through!

It will always be a struggle. I will overcome

It has been a little over three years since I went under the knife and had gastric bypass surgery. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I just didn’t know how hard it would be. I’ve told people who give me the “you took the easy way out” look how hard it really is. I don’t know if I believed those words.

Gastric bypass surgery isn’t for the faint of heart. It isn’t for someone looking for the “easy way out”. Gastric bypass surgery takes work. Gastric bypass surgery is a last resort. I thought I understood all these words I’ve said. I really did not.

I have thought that the people who put back on weight after gastric bypass surgery were lazy and unmotivated. I’ve said it. It is partially true. I know this from experience. I’ve gotten lazy and I’ve seen about 20 pounds creep back on. I’ve gotten lazy. I’ve become complacent. It is easy to be lazy. It is easy to be complacent.

I knew that the honeymoon period would end. The doctors talk about it. Gastric bypass surgery does not change how the brain is wired. It gives you a tool to get the weight off. Honestly, the rest is up to you. It is a daily choice. I’ve been making poor choices. I’ve been lazy. I haven’t been exercising. I’ve been eating things I know that I shouldn’t. I’ve been eating when I’m depressed. I’ve been eating when I’m happy. Gastric bypass does not change addictions.

Food for me is an addiction. It always had been. If I could rewire my brain I would. I eat when I’m not hungry. I find ways around my smaller stomach by eating small amounts more often so I don’t have an upset stomach.

I have made the decision to get back on track. I’m not doing it through dieting. I’m doing it by changing my behaviors. I’m doing it by making better choices when it comes to food. I have to look at it this way. Dieting is a temporary fix. It doesn’t solve the problem of the brain. It doesn’t fix an addiction.

I have to remember the commitment I made to myself when I started my journey four years ago. When I walked into the informational meeting I made a commitment to not let myself get out of control again. I made a commitment that I wanted to live. I didn’t want to die of diabetes or a heart attack. I wanted to be healthy. I will admit, I wanted to stop being the fat girl with a pretty face.

I need to take my life back from addiction. It is going to be even tougher now. I have the tools to do it. I KNOW how to do it. I need to just follow through.

(I refer to just Gastric Bypass surgery in this blog because this is what I am familiar with. There are other weight loss surgery options. None is harder or easier than the other. I chose the one that I felt was best for me. Each person who has the surgery is a strong person. They just have to find a way to overcome addictions. It is not easy. I commend each and every person who makes this choice. I wish them nothing but success in their journey. I hope that they are realistic of their expectations. I hope they realize that relapse is possible. I hope they have the power to overcome once the honeymoon is over. People can’t be afraid to ask for help. It isn’t failure if you recognize the problem and fix it).