I am a size whore and not in the way you think.

As a former fatty when I buy clothes I look for clothes that are the smallest size that “fit”. I refuse to buy anything above a size 12 (unless it is a fancy dress I buy at Goodwill because I can convince myself that it has been taken in to make it smaller). I have allowed society to convince me that my worth is measured by how small the number is on the tag of my pants. I am a size whore.

When I say clothes that “fit”… sometimes it is barely. I may wear a pair of pants that barely zip because I refuse to buy pants larger than a size 10, and if I can get a 6 over my curves I will buy it as long as I don’t have camel toe.  I refuse to buy things in a size large, even if I LOVE it and the medium is too small. I am a size whore.

Funnily enough, I am a “plus size” when I sew. Depending on the pattern, I have to make a 14 or a 16. I don’t care what size I have to make when I’m sewing. Why? The clothes I sew have no tag, I alter items to fit and go by my actual measurements. I can also justify this to myself because pattern sizes haven’t changed in decades.  

WHY don’t I just buy things that fit my largest areas and just alter for the smaller areas? Why don’t I cut the tags out so it doesn’t matter what size I’m wearing? Why do I care? People don’t actually go around and show the clothing tags to each other.  I am a size whore.

I KNOW that the size on my clothes don’t make me a better or worse person. The problem is that I don’t BELIEVE it. I know how I was treated when I wore a size 24. I remember how people looked at me almost like they knew that I was teetering on being too big to even buy things at Lane Bryant. I could wear the cutest most flattering dress but it was still a size 24. I pretended that I felt confident and fabulous. You won’t find a lot of pictures of me from those years of my life. If I saw that girl now, I would think she was beautiful and confident. I wouldn’t know that she feels just as self conscious as I do now.

That girl stood up straighter and seemed more outgoing to make up for the fact that she was heavier and bigger than I am now.  She went out more often and actually had more friends. Inside she was miserable. She was a size whore too.

How do I become the girl the world thought I was, and who I thought I would be when I could wear single size clothes? Why does it matter? I am a size whore.