I am a size whore and not in the way you think.

As a former fatty when I buy clothes I look for clothes that are the smallest size that “fit”. I refuse to buy anything above a size 12 (unless it is a fancy dress I buy at Goodwill because I can convince myself that it has been taken in to make it smaller). I have allowed society to convince me that my worth is measured by how small the number is on the tag of my pants. I am a size whore.

When I say clothes that “fit”… sometimes it is barely. I may wear a pair of pants that barely zip because I refuse to buy pants larger than a size 10, and if I can get a 6 over my curves I will buy it as long as I don’t have camel toe.  I refuse to buy things in a size large, even if I LOVE it and the medium is too small. I am a size whore.

Funnily enough, I am a “plus size” when I sew. Depending on the pattern, I have to make a 14 or a 16. I don’t care what size I have to make when I’m sewing. Why? The clothes I sew have no tag, I alter items to fit and go by my actual measurements. I can also justify this to myself because pattern sizes haven’t changed in decades.  

WHY don’t I just buy things that fit my largest areas and just alter for the smaller areas? Why don’t I cut the tags out so it doesn’t matter what size I’m wearing? Why do I care? People don’t actually go around and show the clothing tags to each other.  I am a size whore.

I KNOW that the size on my clothes don’t make me a better or worse person. The problem is that I don’t BELIEVE it. I know how I was treated when I wore a size 24. I remember how people looked at me almost like they knew that I was teetering on being too big to even buy things at Lane Bryant. I could wear the cutest most flattering dress but it was still a size 24. I pretended that I felt confident and fabulous. You won’t find a lot of pictures of me from those years of my life. If I saw that girl now, I would think she was beautiful and confident. I wouldn’t know that she feels just as self conscious as I do now.

That girl stood up straighter and seemed more outgoing to make up for the fact that she was heavier and bigger than I am now.  She went out more often and actually had more friends. Inside she was miserable. She was a size whore too.

How do I become the girl the world thought I was, and who I thought I would be when I could wear single size clothes? Why does it matter? I am a size whore. 

Living in a tourist driven area

If you live in a small touristy area you understand that your livelyhood depends on being nice to people who are assholes. People on vacation in vacationland have this assumption about how things are and how uneducated people who live and work in vacationland are. (On a side note somevery brilliant people live in vacationland. You dont't always have to have a college degree to be brilliant). They expect to come to vacationland and enjoy the slower way of life but expect to be waited on quickly and have things they want even if they forget to mention what they want. Oh, and we must be prepared for broken English or lack of any concept of the English language.

I have worked with the public for way too many years.

I am not saying that it is just or all vacationers who are assholes. Enough locals are assholes too. This gets worse in the summer. People who live and work in vacationland get down right douchetastic in summer months aka tourist season. I am included in this group. I like to be able to go to a local restaurant and not have to wait to be seated. I want to not be  cut off in traffic,  be honked at for obeying traffic signs or not cutting other people off when crossing a roadway. I certainly don't like listening to vacationers talk about how things are "at home" while they berrate an employees. I have been known to say "are you fucking kidding me?" Out louda lotthis time of year in public. If you like how it is at home so much, fucking stay home!!!

I enjoy the vacationers who actually enjoy their vacations, the people who live and work locally, and thank the people who help. These people are the one and only reason I do not completely hate tourist season. These people love the state almost as much as many of the hard working locals. They compliment you on the beauty of vacationland. They take the time to ask you questions about the area. They thank you for being hospitable (which you are even to the assholes who don't understand the restraint it takes notto kickthem in the fucking shinns).

Today I leared that locals must stick together this time of year. If you frequent a local business year round make sure to thank the owners and staff every time you visit. I say visit, because  the personal service is what brings you back every time.  You feel more like a friend than a patron. We know the owners by name, we know the ages and names of their kids, we have had drinks with them at other establishments, we run into them at the grocery store. These people work hard because they love what they do and love their  communities.  

When you go out to eat or goshopping find something positive about your experiance. For the love of God please dont't keep it to yourself! People who live and work in vacationland during tourist season don't hear the good things enough. I don't care if it is as simple as telling a thrift shop owner that you appreciate how organized the racks are, the restaurant owner how you enjoy the new artwork,  or even better than the food was cooked perfectly (which is not easy this time of year because of volume, lack of help, and asshole vacationers who send perfectly good food back). Do it! If we stick tobether during tourist season we can all make it a little less stressful!