IT all started last night… I got home from work, and the lawn
really needs to be mowed (and, no I’m not talking about my pubes here). The lawnmower hadn’t been started in about 5
years… so there was 5 year old gas & 5 year old oil. I did spray the spark
plug with W-D40. Well, in my attempt to start it, I broke the pull cord. I
tried to duct tape it… yeah, no go…
I went to Wal-Mart and bought new oil, and since I could not
find our (six) gas cans, I bought another one. I headed over to Home Depot. The
woman in the lawn mowing section was very helpful… and tried to sell me a $4
replacement cord. Well, frankly, I
decided that would be way too much work and I didn’t want to spend $350 on a
push start mower. I found an old school manual mower. I figured that maintenance
for an old school mower is going to consist of sharpening the blades.
I got home and put my new old school mower together (no, it
did not come assembled). I didn’t even
cut myself on the blades! I mowed my whole damn lawn. Granted, we have less than an acre of land,
but it took less time than it did with a gas powered motor because I didn’t
have to keep stopping because the mower doesn’t stall.
This morning, my damn neighbors started pounding something
(not each other, that would have been more interesting) at 6am. Since I didn’t
go to bed until 11 last night (I’m in my 30s, so this IS late for me), I was
not happy to be woken up. I took a shower, and started my day. I cleaned out my
car, did two load of laundry, and then headed to the mechanic to get my car
taken care of. I then went back to Wal-Mart
to return the oil & gas can (since they were not needed for the new
mower), I picked up cleaning supplies, then went to the grocery store to pick
up dog food (for some reason Wal-Mart doesn’t carry the brand my monsters
like).
I called my mother to find out if I needed a special cord
for the weed wacker she gave us (again, not for the pubes, but the lawn
outside). She wanted me to take her to the grocery if I had time. I told her I
didn’t know if I would. She said that it was ok, she could wait until Monday
(remember this, it is important). I started a load of a laundry. I spent more time on the lawn, and then took
a shower. I started another load of
laundry. I called my mother, and told her that I would be happy to take her
shopping.
Ok, now here comes the REAL Wonder Woman….
I pick her up, and she informs me that I need to start
making her skirts. The skirt I wore today was a jersey knit skirt I purchased.
I told her this; she wanted to know where … it was Target. She pouted (this is
because in her eyes I am a wretched girl who won’t take her anywhere. In my
defense when I take her outside of Ellsworth she has panic attacks and rams
electric carts into clothing racks, beds, and cries in stores because she
thinks they are treating her unfairly because she is fat because they ask her
if she is shopping for her son or daughter).
On the way to the grocery store she starts complaining about
something unimportant, or something she has complained about before, so I start
talking about me and my day so far (oh, and it isn’t even noon and I’ve
accomplished tons). She keeps offering me money for car repairs, which I decline
(she is always trying to pay for the fact that she is a bag).
We get to the grocery store, I take her walker out of the
car, and she then says to me “Do I get a choice in where I go grocery shopping.”
I put the walker back into the car and take her to Wal-Mart.
I decide, I’ve all ready been to Wal-Mart too many times, so
I sat in the car. She was actually out in less than an hour… as we are leaving,
she tells me “I’m so glad that you were able to take me shopping, I was all out
of food.” (Remember how she said before that she could wait until Monday?).
We begin talking about the robbery at Card Enterprises, and
she proceeds to tell me about a conversation we had about my former
step-brother who sold inspection stickers to people who didn’t have vehicles
that would pass inspection. This conversation NEVER happened, ever, ever. She
has a very vivid “recollection” a fight between her and her ex-husband
following this conversation. This is the FIRST I had heard of the inspection sticker
scheme, the fight, or the “fact” that I had asked for an inspection sticker for
a friend.
I must have been feeling masochistic (and not in a fun way)
and decided to visit for a little bit. She pointed out that my toes looked blue;
I must have poor circulation because of low iron. I actually just had blood
work done and my iron and everything other than vitamin D was AWESOME! I was
explaining this to me. I must have stopped to breath, because she decided it
was time to change the subject to another story I had heard before. Well, two
can play at that game, she breathed, I continued with what I was talking about.
This back and forth went on for about fifteen minutes. I was getting tired of
it and began yawning… she began yawning. She informed me that I needed to stop
yawning, that I was making her tired.
Those who know me know that I know a lot of obscure facts,
studies, and other information that may seem useless. I informed her that a
study found that people yawn after others because of empathy for the other individual.
I have actually trained myself to not feel empathy when it comes to yawning.
She told me that my lack of empathy made me a bad person, and I could not pick
and choose when I felt empathy. That was
my cue to exit… the damn bitch always tries to pick a fight.
I got home and CLEANED the kitchen. Those of you, who know
me, know that I am a neat freak… except when it comes to my own house. It is my
own mess, so there is nothing to be afraid of, but we may be getting a long
term house guest very soon, so I need to try to make it presentable.
So… the short version of my long story…. Men are weekend warriors…
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