It's my Party

Your life is your party. It is a party you throw for yourself. You control everything from the decorations, the music, and the guest list. Would you put up mustard yellow decorations if your favorite color is pink? Would you play country music if you hate it, and love dance music? Would you invite you least favorite person? Would you change YOUR party to make your least favorite person happy?

You invite people to your party who make you feel alive. You invite people who know how to have a good time. You know these people will have fun just being wth you. 

If we have one life/party why do we worry about people who shouldn't even be there? The people who haven't been invited? 

I get so worried about other people. I worry about their problems. I try to fix them. I worry about if they actually like me. I try to fix them. I neglect myself to fix others. 

Who is going to fix me? Obviously, I can't fix other people, I can only fix mselr and my reactions to others. Not very one is going to like me. I can't help people who can't help themselves. 

It is I to remember it is MY party!

Yes, the grass is greener!

In life we are always looking to have more and be better. We are NEVER happy with what we have. 

We are always looking for the next thing. We love our job, but still look for something better. We have a reliable car, but trade it after two years, and end up upside down because something is newer. We end relationships because we think we can or should do better. 

I'm not saying that we should not strive for something better or stay in unhappy relationships. There are times when we need to walk away. 

Yes, the grass is greener on the other side. What we don't stop to take into account is that it is because it is AstroTurf. That "grass" on the other side is fake, an illusion, an unhealthy obsession. 

Think about all the things, or people you want (that you don't have). Is it really going to make you happier? Is it going to make your life more fulfilling? 

Instead of worrying about the greener grass, take time to enjoy what you have. Enjoy the way your grass feels under your bare feet. Enjoy the way your grass smells after a summer rain. Enjoy the trees that provide shade to your grass. Enjoy the bees that pollinate the wildflowers. 

Greener grass does not sustain life.  Greener grass does not energize your senses.

 Greener grass does exists, but who needs greener grass when you already have what you need in your OWN back yard!

Work on yourself

Some days it is easier to worry about the well being of others than yourself. Those same days, you need to step back and look at what is important. 

Ask yourself the following:

a) would they be or have they ever been there for you?

...if the answer is no, then don't worry about them, focus on healing yourself. 

There are no other questions. 

Room 121

That's exactly what it was room 121. 

It isn't my favorite room number, but I hope it will become one that changes the course of my life. 

Mental illness isn't something people talk about because they don't know how to react. The doctor said, it isn't like a broken leg. People can SEE that, they ask what happened, if you are doing ok. When  something inside your mind snaps, no one can see it. No one really wants to know the reason you had a break. No one wants to see it. 

I am broken. I'm rebuilding. It is ok to ask me how I am. It is ok to ask if I need anything. Don't be surprised if I say I'm fine and I don't need anything. Don't be surprised if I say I'm not fine, and I just need space, a shoulder to cry on, or a cup of tea. 

I may be broken, but I'm not totaled. I'm still here. I am salvageable. 

Crazy Dreams... Where did this come from?

I know that I’m not the only one that has crazy dreams. This one was SO real that I almost thought it was true when I woke up. I was almost crying, I couldn’t believe it happened.

I was being my regular crazy self. I was learning to ride a motorcycle. A good friend of mine was trying to teach me I should say. Yeah, I kept dumping the bike. He didn’t get mad at me. After I would have an unsuccessful session of learning to ride, we would go dancing and get hammered ( I needed some way to deal with the pain from falling so many times). This, unfortunately was not the sad part of the dream.

After one night of crazy drinking. I woke up naked, on the floor (again, not the part that made me cry). My friend asked when I got the tattoo on my ass, because it was hot… almost as great as my tits (again, not the crying)… wait, that was when I started crying. WHEN DID I GET A TATTOO ON MY ASS?

I went and stood in front a full length mirror (yeah, my guy friend has a full length mirror in his house… go figure). And right above my left ass cheek, like a tramp stamp to the left, in cursive I saw the words, “Permanent Resting Bitch Face”. I guess I should have been glad that it was all spelled correctly.

Hubby hears me screaming, and wakes his ass up. He is already pissed off because he thinks I’m annoying drunk. He comes running into the room, even more pissed that I’m not sleeping next to him in a strange house. Then he gets extra pissed that I’m in another man’s room buck ass naked.  He looks right at me and asks, “What the hell?”

I manage to sputter out, “When did this happen?”, and point to my ass.

He looks confused, and asks, “What are you talking about?”

I scream at the top of my lungs, “This fucking tattoo across my ass!!!!”

He just shakes his head, and asks, “Really?!?!”

I ask him how long he has known about it (it is obvious that I’ve had it for at least a couple of years. It is well done, and obviously well healed).

He goes back to bed.

I eventually find out that I’ve had the tattoo for years. It started out as a cover-up to a home done butterfly tattoo. Then I just started doing a whole “piece”. It all came back to me. No, I wasn’t drunk tattooed in my dream. It was just that I don’t typically look at my own ass, so I happened to forget about it (kind of like my cat on the back of my neck).

When Ernie wakes me up, I tell him about the dream and he can’t stop laughing. He slaps my ass, and tells me, don’t worry, no tattoo. no tattoo.

You are beautiful

Ok, we ALL battle with weight. We all kick ourselves for the extra 5,10,20...100 pounds we carry around. Why?  Are we healthy? Are we suffering from co-morbid health issues?

If we are suffering from co-morbid health issues then, yeah we need to lose a few pounds. I have admittedly put on about 20 pounds from my lowest weight. I got sick, the only things that made me feel better were really unhealthy foods. I've been pretty mad at myself. I've been beating myself up.  I've been thinking of myself as a failure.  Why? For crying out loud, I lost 135 pounds (even if I put 20 back, I am still down 115 Pounds)! I HAD high blood pressure. I HAD irregular and painful menstural cycles. I COULD NOT walk up my stair with out my knees hurting.  Hell, I COULD NOT walk up my stairs with out getting winded. I WAS pre-diabetic & I WAS on medication for it. That is all in the past. I NEEDED to lose weight.

I don't have any of those health issues anymore. I don't have 115 pounds (of almost pure fat) anymore.

What has the extra 20 pounds done to hurt me? I went from a size 6/8 to a 10/12... a s/m to a m/l. My belly sticks out a little bit.  I feel bad about myself. I haven't had any of those health issues come back. But, eat because I feel bad about my weight. I've been fat shaming myeself! Fat shaming has been counter productive. 
I'm still the same person with an extra 20 pounds. I'm not less healthy, but if I keep beating myself up I COULD end up sick again, I know this.

I came across this video today:

http://bodyimage.waywire.com/video/Fat-Shaming-Makes-You-Fatter

Watch it, really think about it, then come back. I will wait.

Did that video make anything clearer for you?

Let me tell you what it told me. I don't need to hate my little gut.  I am NOT a number on a scale or the size of my dress.  At the same time, I'm not going to lie to myself. I need to keep my weight in check and watch for signs that I'm unhealthy. I'm not going to lie to myself or not listen to my body.

If I'm healthy, I am ok. I'm better than ok, I'm amazing!

The point is, love yourself, no matter what size, YOU are amazing!

Do you knowhow blessed YOU are

I take a lot in my life for granted.  I complain about first-world problems. A lot of people complain, get depressed about money, how they look & how people perceive them. Many of us don't know better. Many of us don't care. Many of us live for drama. I think it is time for me to be greatful.  It is time to take charge for me. Time for me to stop negativity within. Time to stop the outside negative factors.

I have a lot to be greatful for. I'm greatful for the friends I don't see or even talk to daily. I'm greatful for the people I would have called acquaintances in the past, and now call heroes. I'm especially greatful for people who push me with positive encouragement. 

I am greatful for my husband.  I don't think he really understands how important he is. We have been married for just over 15 years . We have been through tons of shit. We have fought,  made up, and been there for each other. What we have is something to be especially greatful for.

I have been through many health issues, including my constant struggle with my weight and being healthy. I have gotten to a point where I've put on more weight than I would like since surgery.  It happens. I wanted to start getting active and healthy again. I got sick, and picked up some terrible eating habits again.  I have been lazy.  I keep talking about getting healthy. It was all talk.

The other day I decided to stop being lazy. I wanted to go back to Crossfit. My work schedule prohibited it. I got bummed. I got sick. I reminded myself that I couldn't let myself slip much more. My surgery was my last option. If I slip too much more I have no more options. I hate asking for help. I reached out for help.

My husband knows when I'm serious about something. I always think I'm ready. He seems to know,  only then does he jump on the bandwagon.  He decided thar he wanted to work out with me. He suggested couch to 5K. He didnt stop there, he said, if we were going to get healthy, we should eat healthy too.

Yeasterday, I was fortunate enough to have some two new-found heros put up with the fact that im horribly out of shape again and agree to go jogging/walking with us. Yeah, I brought up the rear by a lot. No one complained that I was a slow poke. No one used negativity to motivate me. I needed that.

This morning , before the ass crack of dawn, my husband woke me up for our official couch to 5k beginning.  He was not an ass, but stern with me that I would NOT fight him about getting out if bed. Still asleep, I put on my workout gear & we headed out.

During our cooldown, we passed my new found heroes with smiles & words of encouragement.  No judgement, just graciousness.

I'm greatful for many things. Today, im greatful for new found positive heroes.  I'm greatful for my husbsnd who knows me better than I know myself. I'm especially greatful for today, because we only get one today, and I will make it count!